welcome to my biography.
my endless entries. and am still writing....
yours, truly do i have to spell it out, or scream it to your face? |
26.12.1987 popular sanguine + peaceful phlegmatic |
i, may be your treasure or the price you ve to pay. may be your why or wherefore within the measure of a day.
a treatise on longing.
Sunday, November 8, 2009/ 9:39 PM
if you think im proud, perhaps i should explain. i cudnt bear to lose you, again.
on the topic of besties. e reason tt actualli demoralised me was bt e fact tt 1. ur goin sap n me, knowin, bt nt frm u urself. i noe its a petty issue. bt i dunnoe y it made me felt lyk i wasnt tt important. *blow fringe* tt 2. e reason y im in tis tink is mainly, and still is, cz of u. tt 3. nt tt i dun ve e nds. evry1 is suppose 2 start out cz of it, bt as 4 me, mine is nt tt strong. n wen i sae tt, i mean, i dun want it tt badly. i do want it. bt if i dun ve it, i cud still make do w/o it. if u realli still noe me well, i wudnt want to do tis pn. its neva my kind of tink. tt is all cz of u tt im doin it. tt 4. i look up to u & mr. fiance. both of u r sum1 to me. tt u 2, u r lyk a tack team, 2 me. bt u r nt there. it ok i understand bt at times, it gets frustratin. yes, e rest r helpin me bt nt tt im nt grateful or tt im proud, bt wt i wud realli want is e 2 of u. cz ur suppose to be my bestfren, ur suppose to b my upline n him, hes suppose to b e 1 supportin behind it all. jus lyk hw it has all been b4. n tt 5. ive lost u, as my bestfren. cz eva since u started tis, as much as i hate sayin tis, u r nt e same eva since. him too. to me. tis tink is suppose to bring us closer, lyk hw it has been 4 me & e others bt instead, i feel lyk im driftin apart frm e 2 of u. as for e other. i dun want to fight any more. or wteva it is tts happenin nw between e 2 of us, cn it stop. ive seriously forgotten wt we were fightin abt. wt is actualli goin on, cn u pls enlighten me. cz i hate gettin tt relieved n den tt irritated feelin weneva i gt ur msg. stop tellin me tt ive changed cz u werent there to notice it anymore. stop sayin we are frenz hu r not actin lyk 1. stop makin me feel lyk its all cause of me we are lyk tis at e 1st place. gawd. i used to be able to tell u anytink n everytink. nw, to even send a simple hi msg, i ve to tink twice, jus in case u decide to gt smart & start w me. im sori bt i ve had enuff. im tired of makin myself heard. bt its nice to noe tt im able to lay evrytink out here, n me, hopin tt sumhow tis reaches each of u & tt u wud understand. bt id like it very much if ud try to make me see ur perspectives too. w/o me havin to feel tt im nt up to seein u yet. tt i still cun c u yet. or u, tt i cud hear ur side w/o bein felt lyk im e bad 1. and on the topic of him. hes nt xactly e most average person. n ppl might tink im tryin to b brave or tt im jus plain crazy. *roll eyes* tell me abt it. he was alot of tinks to alot of ppl. bt up till todae still, 4 e life of me, dunno wt he is, to me. all fair pts, 1 tink tt i will always do is tt i believe, against all odds, in e best of him. i love him. and as long as i still do, i believe he'll change cz .. cz .. i dunnoe. cz i love him. it might nt mean anytink to him, me sayin all tis. it might jus b magical comfort food 4 e weekend bt its ok. cz life, there r no gurantees. so tts wt ive been doin n m still doin. im riskin luv. n if eva, *cross fingers*, if eva it didnt turn out e way i hoped itd b, of cz im gonna feel hurt in btwn. bt any pain id feel cud neva eva compare to e regret id feel walkin away frm luv. gt my pt? as for nw, all i want is ..... sumtink. i want him to sae sumtink or do sumtink tt proves to e rest tt tis hasnt all been sum kind of elaborated joke. tts all. all of u might tink im full of it. bt i tink im jus fed up. all of u might tink i can be so arrogant. bt i tink im jus tryin to keep my head up. sumtimes its lyk ive had enuff of all tis, n tts e very reason y im on e verge of givin everytink up most of e time. bt e onli tink tts makin sure tt i dun, is faith. n believe. cz i ve no doubt tt we cud all work tis out. as for now, its just me, against the world. |
happy nurses day!
Friday, July 31, 2009/ 11:17 AM
on this dae, i always feel proud to be a nurse.
at the hospital, in a ward, its a battlefield. and there are definitely hierarchies of command. the patients, ey r e ones doin their tour of duty. e doctors breeze in and out lyk conquerin heroes, bt ey need to read ur charts n case notes to remember where ey last left off frm e previous visit. it is e nurses who r e seasoned sgts- e ones hu r there wen ur shakin w such a high fever; ud need to be bathed in ice, e ones hu teach e patient's caregiver hw to feed through the nasal gastric tube n how to turn the patient. e nurses noe e name of family members, e patient's quirks n all. e doctors may be mappping out e war games, but it is e nurses hu make e conflict bearable. u gt to noe em, as ey noe u. its a cliche, bt e reason i became a nurse in e 1st place was bcoz of my late grandma. i ve always wish i understand wt was goin on then so tt i cud be of any help. bt nw, since ive undastood, i wud want to help ppl. n i wonder if wt im doin nw is juz my true nature. helpin ppl. i became a nurse because i wanted to help ppl. bt i sud ve been more specific. i should have named names. sumtimes wen u gt too close to ppl, u gt immuned to em. n u want to be reminded of their presence, ud do anytink to capture it. i remember gettin his colonge, perfume, every scents- rite dwn to which detergent n fabric softener his mum is usin 4 his family. nuts i noe. but once u gt all tis for urself, n each time u catch a whiff of e scent, ull remember him. its lyk as if havin him close to u. n i might nt achieve e same as to hwever he smell lyk bt i was close. coz my mum tot it was unnecessary to be changin e type of fabric softener our family ve been usin. shrug. den it gt hard, cz wen we r no longer 2gether, there r others ard usin it. nw, wen ive gotten over him, n wen mum finally decide to change, every once in a while wen i caught e whiff of e scent, ill b thinkin to myself tt tt scent was once sumtink i was crazy abt. e bottom line, is tt we neva fall 4 ppl we r nt supposed to. cz until tis moment, i had nt realized tt sum1 cud break ur heart twice, along w e very same fault lines. gawd, im such an emotional crack these daes. n im soo tired, im so glad im goin away 4 e wkend. |
don't provoke the rage of a patient person.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009/ 3:45 AM
don't rely on others for your own happiness.
i tink there r crossroads in our lives wen we make grand, sweepin decision w/o even realizin it. juz cz, at tt point of time, it was realli e easiest way. bt if looked back at, do u tink tt reason alone is enuff?? lyk u wish to gt a cup of coffee, wud u lyk it if sum1 gt u a cup of plain water instead? cz its easier, no preparation, juz need to pour. lyk wen u want to pay 4 sumtink using cash, wud u lyk it if e cashier insist on u payin by NETS cz its easier. ey dun ve to go thru the hassle of countin out e change. or lyk, while ur puttin every possible effort in to make sometink work, wud u lyk it if e very person ur doin all tt for decides to walk out of ur life, w e easiest reason tt he doesnt ve time 4 u? but den again, since wen r we given e option to gt wts easiest? imagine walkin all e way dwn to e end of e street, badly needin tt shot of caffeine dwn ur system, onli to b served w water instead. imagine havin to queue juz to deposit e balance cash, juz so there's enuff to be deducted 4 ur bill. imagine, undastandin n nt complainin a word, onli 2 find out its all unappreciated. it jus goes to show how much ur willin 2 sacrifice. but if u want to make it work, lyk u said u'd, u ve to do ur part too, m i nt rite? hold on to ur words, cz talk is cheap. a promise is nt as gd as a deed my dear. n wt do i want in a guy? i want sum1 hu can make me hapi. dancin-on-air hapi. sum1 hu loves me w every single beat of his heart. hus will be there wen i nd him. sum1 hu can make me feel safe, treat me w respect n hu undastands me. i want a guy hu dun make himself up. sum1 hu cud hang out n be himself. tts wt i want most. n if u realli want me, u'd ve to do betta den juz talkin. if u want me, pls noe tt im nt a piece of ass, a 1 nite stand, a storage cheque. i dun need material tinks, im nt a gold digger. i ve my own. i juz want sumtink real. but eventually, if all tis contd w/o any progress, im afraid i'll b cutted up into so many pieces, tt there wun b enuff of me to put back 2gther. wen tt happens, which i hope it wun, i hope ud finally wake up n learn ur lesson. but between nw n den, i hope its all worth it. wen u loved me 1st. before u told me u loved me 1st. |
i guess, better is open rebuke then hidden love.
Thursday, July 9, 2009/ 3:30 AM
all endings are also beginnings. we just don't know it at the time.
its 3:30 am n in still awake. gawd i cun slp!!! my eyes r still brite. pfft~ lucky im on pm shift 2mrw. or nt. n work nw, *slow sigh*. im up to my ears w tinks. thank u sista for promotin me, (i consider myself lucky all e time. frm e time i start work up till 2dae.) bt can i pls slow dwn abit. *scratch head* too much tinks, soo little time. but guess tts 1 of e wake up calls 4 me. to start workin hard lyk i earnd it. u noe, i dun lyk ppl hu r competitive. ambitious ppl, w their eye on e prize instead of e task in hand. ppl hu wanted 2 b e best 4 all e wrg reasons n hu'd take almost any path to get to tt place. beine best equal as bein in e middle, which was equal as bein e worst. all were merely a state of bein. ppl hu were constantly lookin over their shoulders, always look at wt e nxt person is doin, comparin themselves. lookin 2 achieve greater tinks, always wantin2 b betta. n e entire pt of me sayin all tis, was to say tt ppl u constantly looked over their shoulders, bumped into tinks. tts nt gd. u ve 2 remember u ve other responsibilities. u need to keep ppl close. u need to gif em access to ur heart. not all. jus e ones u trust it w. n believe me itll do u soo much gd. what we didnt need to know, we didnt need to ask. some people just dont quite get the gist of that. |
a little impatience spoils great plans.
Monday, June 22, 2009/ 2:03 PM
when someone lets you down, don't give up on him.
wake up calls cums in diff forms. there r many types of wake up calls, bt onli 1 tt holds any importance. |
when you lose, learn a lesson.
Thursday, June 18, 2009/ 11:17 AM
the only way to never get dissappointed is to expect nothing sab. remember that.
i dunnoe y, 4 e life of me, wat exactly happened to me last nyte. n poor mr advisor's sleep had to be interrupted just so i ve a few min of sum1's divided attention to layan me n my emo fits. n tts hw he received a mish call. but wt wud u ve said sud he answered sab? juz coz sum1 gave u e moral boost to do it, u noe u sudnt. n let it be know that ur not that strong? ur juz lucky he didnt ans. and so i gave myself yet another unneccesary build-up to a later let-down. bt what can i say. rules must be obeyed. and tis was the main cause of the sudden downpour. |
was i ever loved by you?
Sunday, May 10, 2009/ 11:13 AM
in time.
dun u eva wonder y we were made w a finite capacity for pleasure but an infinite capacity 4 pain? our ceiling 4 pleasure is low but the floor 4 pain is bottomless. but rite nw, i juz want to bring u down so badly. in e worst way. |
if this isn't love, tell me what it is.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009/ 2:07 PM
an open letter.
dear you, i know this is very random. ive been meaning to do this though. i could have msged you but i know itll end up with endless pages, and i know how much of you not being a fan of long msgs. or that i could say it to you face to face but then i'll forget all that i wanted to say when i finally do. so im doing this. plus, what if this is the only chance i got? sometimes, no matter how much we want something, we are restrained or we lack the means to get it and so we are bound by factors which are all beyond our control. which then means we wouldnt be able to do exactly what we wanted to at the 1st place. instead, we have to settle for a little bit less and hope for the best. and fate has a funny way of making us realize which things in our life to prioritize, which to forget & which to keep. more then ever, im convinced this haven't gotten me anywhere, and i know i am not making any sense yet here. i bet you must be wondering what exactly am i trying to get across. the thing is, so many questions have been clouding my mind and despite all that, it seems that you are the only one who made me risk and trust that much. and its just that, right now, i want to finally give in & tell you what i've always wanted to tell you, i miss you. and all the other tinks u made me feel & do but more than anything, i mish having your presence around. there's a different kind of comfort & uneasiness i feel when im with you. the kind that tells me that nothing is wrong but nothing is right either. and its was crazy, really, bein so excited. we've been out, a few phone calls. but, i don't know, for the life of me, why im always nervous & having palpitations whenever we'll be meeting. and and i know how your ....... alot. ( i don't know what word to use here to describe it. unhapi? unsatisfied? unsettled?) and mayb it might not help anytink, bt i wanted you to know that im always here. i won't let you down. (wow, that sounds corny. but you know that, right?) and you need to keep ppl close, do you know that? you need to give them access to your heart. no matter how strong you think you are, you would need to do that. course, sooner or later, it'll won't do you any good. so what im trying to say here is that, whatever it is, you can have me to rely on. (though i cudnt shake the fear that there's always a catch.) hweva, my onli regret nw is tt i keep failin to tell you what i feel everytime. and each time when you ask, ill hesitate on tellin you wat i m feelin n den i kept lettin e moment pass; den i'll let go of evrything. and wts even worst, i dunnoe wt exactly to do nw except to write you tis letta, & hope it reaches you & to wish tt my words wud find a way 2 make you feel special. to me. the best feelings are the hardest to say; the best moments, even harder to describe but i would like to try. i am not keeping my hopes up. i am not counting the times you make me smile, but i keep on looking back at them. and if those were for friendliness' sake, then that small part of you may be the very reason for this feeling. then that part of you may be all that i need. and surprisingly? i couldn't explain it, but could you? its a tiny million things that made things change. still ... p/s: you are everything i want cause you are everything i m not. |
do not overuse the word "no"
Friday, February 20, 2009/ 11:39 AM
came across tis while switchin channels. tot its an advertisement. nobody by wonder girls. haha mal !!! look c look c!!! ~you noe i still love u baby. & it will neva change. i want nobody, nobody bt u. *point,clap,clap,point,clap* i want nobody, nobody bt u. ~ LOL enjoy! sori i cun stp e background music 4 u tho. |